This post is about how to maintain your identity in a relationship in your 30s.
When healthy, relationships are wonderful. Having a ride-or-die person to just do life with can be extremely rewarding. Who doesn't want that?
However, if you aren't careful and intentional within your relationship, losing your identity as an individual is actually scary-easy to do.
I know this from first-hand experience.
So in this post, we're talking all about identity in relationships: why having one is important, what it looks like if you're losing your identity, and how to maintain your identity within your relationship.
Why maintaining your identity in a relationship in your 30s is important
In simplest terms, your identity is who you are at your core. This includes your strengths, weaknesses, interests, hobbies, likes, dislikes, personality, job, etc. Not to sound like a cliche here, but your identity is what makes you unique! Who would want to lose that!?
While your relationship status at any given time is part of this identity and how you identify (e.g. "I am single," "I am a boyfriend," etc.), your relationship status will truly never be your only characteristic.
Unfortunately, when you lose this core sense of self to your relationship, you let this one small aspect of who are you define you.
You sacrifice being a "me" to instead become a "we."
When this happens, you become your relationship, taking on your relationship's highs and lows and seeing these peaks and valleys as a reflection of yourself.
Understandably, this has an immense impact on your self-esteem and self-worth:
- When the relationship is going well, you begin to think you have more self-worth.
- When the relationship is not going well, you begin to think you have less self-worth.
There is danger in tying your identity and personal value to another person. People, including your partner, possess free will. Free will allows us as human beings to be unpredictable and uncontrollable, despite our efforts to maintain status quo.
I don't know about you, but there isn't much appeal in tying my sense of self-worth to uncontrollable and unpredictable variables. However, nobody goes into a relationship thinking, "Yes, I want this person and I to become one. I want this relationship to become who I am and how I see myself."
Unfortunately, this dissolving sense of self is gradual. Most people don't realize it's happened and/or happening until it's too late (and usually this self-discovery comes from other people pointing out how you've "changed"). So now, let's take a look at what losing your identity to your relationship actually looks like.
What losing your identity in a relationship in your 30s looks like
Losing identity in a relationship can take many forms. Milder symptoms of identity loss may include:
- Fear of being single
- Dependence on your partner's approval
- Clinginess and possessiveness over your partner
- Making excuses for your partner's poor behavior
- Avoiding conflict with your partner at all costs
- Reducing or cutting contact with family and friends
- Reducing or losing interest in things you used to do for fun (unless your partner is there doing them with you)
- Obsessively thinking about your partner when he or she isn't around
- An overwhelming desire to care for your partner, even to your own detriment
- Blaming yourself when you cannot support your partner through difficult times, because you should be "doing more"
More toxically, loss of identity can manifest as such:
- Isolating yourself and your partner from others
- Tolerance of abusive behavior from your partner (whether physical, mental, or emotional)
- Excusing your partner from abusive behavior
No matter the symptom(s), none of these indicate healthy sense of self within your relationship. In fact, each of these indicators actually double as a symptom of codependence.
If you become codependent on your partner, your relationship will dominate your thoughts and overtake your entire personality. You may begin thinking things like, "If I am no longer X's partner, then who am I?" completely forgetting you lived an entire life before this person ever came along.
I've been there, and it's a horrible headspace to exist in.
I know.
That's why I wrote this post. I want to help you maintain your identity within your relationship.
So now, let's take a look at practical ways you can ensure your maintain your individualism within your relationship!
How to maintain your identity in a relationship in your 30s
In my own relationship, Josh and I have discussed how and why we want to maintain our independent identities. Though we spend a majority of our free time together (I mean... we like hanging out together, after all!), these are some of the practical ways we go about maintaining our individual senses of self within our relationship.
Learn to say "no, but you go" to your partner
It's okay to tell your partner that "no," you are not interested in doing something or that you'd rather do something else. It's also okay to tell your partner "but you go," if it's something he or she wants to do.
Prioritizing yourself is okay. Yes, relationships require compromise, but a relationship shouldn't require you to always bend for your person.
There's no harm in telling your person, "I don't want to do that, but you should go," if it's something they'd enjoy but you would not. Just because you're together doesn't mean you need to have identical sets of preferred activities and interests.
Spend time with friends - without a plus one.
I love bringing my plus-one to events and hangouts. But he and I spend a lot of time together.
Sometimes, we both need a little space. And that's where friend time without a plus one can is nice for both us. (He can go and talk sh*t on me. I can go and talk sh*t on him... Kidding, of course.)
But I'm not kidding when I say it can be nice to talk openly in the privacy and confidence of your friends. Sometimes, there are things I just want an unbiased or friends' perspective on that a partner just cannot give me! And that's okay. You don't need to your partner's approval for everything.
Now, am I suggesting you intentionally exclude your parter from hangouts (especially if he or she would be the only partner not in attendance)? Of course not. But I would recommend you be mindful of scheduling time to see friends without a plus-one attached.
Pursuing hobbies or interests outside of your partner.
Doing things with your partner is fun. ,If you didn't enjoy each other's company, a relationship obviously wouldn't work out. But not everything has to become an "our thing" or "we thing" with your partner.
In fact, a total lack of solo activity time is not healthy.
In my relationship, I have a couple things that are fully mine and mine alone. (Josh has the same.) For me, blogging is one of those things. So is my morning gym time.
Though Josh may be in the room while I'm writing - or he may tag along when I head to the gym - these are two activities that belong to me. And he respects those boundaries and that time I need.
Honestly, my sanity depends on it.
Reminding yourself that your relationship is part of you, not all of you.
There is a lot more to someone than their relationship status.
Personally, I identify in no less than twenty ways. Some of these parts of my identity include being a writer, friend, textbook Hufflepuff, brother, health and fitness nut, adventure-seeker, loyal Swiftie, son, travel enthusiast, nephew, pet owner, grandson, sales consultant, cousin, and - well - a boyfriend.
While important to my identity, I frequently remind myself I am more than my relationship status.
Sometimes, simply (and literally) writing out your other characteristics, interests, strengths, and parts of your identity can be helpful. I wrote about journaling recently in another post. And it's truly wild how beneficial physically writing things down can be.
Writing out my other characteristics aside from "boyfriend" has been helpful when I've started down the slippery codependent path. If you think you're slipping down the path yourself, I'd recommend taking fifteen minutes to just jot down what makes you you!
With each new characteristic, you'll see that "partner" piece become a smaller and smaller defining feature as it becomes swallowed up by the list.
So now I'm wondering, my fellow 30-somethings: How do you maintain your identity in a relationship? What's worked for you in the past? Let me know in the comments!
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