Regret

Some days I cry. I cry when I am alone and I know that no one will find me. I cry when I watch movies late at night as I think about the choices I have made in life and how some of what is in front of me rings too true. I cry when I replay some of the things that my son says to me at bedtime.

Some days I cry and I wonder if I would be so upset if I was ever given the chance, opportunity to let go.

Some days I am angry. Angry that I spent so much time trying to be someone who lived with no regrets even though I am not that person at all. I admire a person who doesn’t regret but I have come to realize that I am not that person. Perhaps if I had let go of who I thought I should be and understood how important it was to to be okay with wanting something to have happened differently, I could have granted the forgiveness that haunts me every day.

Some days I spend wondering, if I wasn’t so quick to move forward in the fear of feeling an emotion in the moment or regretting a decision if I would be happier, if thoughts would weigh on me less.

Some days I think I am happy but deep down know that I am not. And today is the first day I have admitted that. So maybe in the days to come I can come to realize some forgiveness I have been harboring, some sadness I have not let out.

Maybe in the days to come I can cry less, leave less and smile more. Maybe this is step one in finding myself again.

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