What If…

Today I was terrified…and I can’t shake it.

Monday thru Friday I do the same thing in much the same order. Hit snooze a bunch, wake up, shower, get ready. Make lunches, wake up my son to get ready. Pack all the bags and run them out to the car while my son continues to get ready (6 year olds aren’t quick). Come back inside and grab my daughter from her crib so that we can all hop in the car together.

We drive to my son’s school and drop him off for the day and then my daughter and I drive along some back roads and a small stretch of highway to drop her off with my Aunt. From there I make the 10 minute drive to work and cuss (a lot) as I can never find a spot in the parking garage lower than the 5th floor.

Every day we make the same drive. But today was different.

Today I dropped my son off and hoped on the same highway I drive 5 days a week. Today for whatever reason, someone in the fast lane going too fast for the slowing traffic lost control of their car as they slammed on the brakes. Today I was struck with an unshakable fear as my instincts took over and I drove off the side of the highway to safety. Today, had I not reacted that car that was going too fast would have slammed into the side of my car that my baby daughter sits.

Today I am terrified.

Terrified of all the what if’s that I can’t shake off my chest. What if I didn’t hug my son strong enough when I dropped him off. What if I hadn’t buckled my daughter tight enough. What if they didn’t understand how much I LOVE them.

What if we never made it off the same highway that I travel 5 days a week, that I know like the back of my hand. What if there had been a guard rail instead of a patch of grass. What if something happened to us, what would that do to the people left behind.

Today I am terrified of the uncontrollable. I am terrified that today could have been the last time I said I love you to my babies.

Today I can’t shake the what if’s.


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